Stress, Fibromyalgia and Spoons

It has yet again been such a long time since the last blog, which was an introduction really to fibromyalgia and how I cope as a mummy with it. But recently I have had the biggest flare up brought on by the ever so delightful stress! Ta da. So lets play a game...never have I ever...felt so trapped. (Contradiction alert) Never have I ever... Felt so detached from my own mind and body. Never have I ever... Experienced physical and mental pain at its highest. Well it looks like I'm downing all the shots. My last blog was such a positive look at fibro and how I have coped since being diagnosed but yet this year has brought about its problems with, as mentioned earlier, a trigger that even I underestimated...stress. Its one of those things which I feel gets overlooked wherever you might be experiencing it. For me, my work place was the contributing factor with a job that seemed to be swallowing me up and spitting me out and maybe I also underestimated the link between stress and fibro that I had to get to a place of 'breakdown' before realising this is not ok.

But at that time I was totally unsure of what it was I needed or wanted for that matter. All I knew was that crying (and I'm talking pretty much every day for 5 weeks) was something I

needed to do. Allowing yourself to cry can help release so much pressure and I was working on providing enough water to ease a drought.

My head was a complete mess feeling like I had a ball of wool for a brain (see illustration below although it might not look like a ball of wool for a brain, it is. Blame the computer for breaking reducing me to pen and paper!) that had been played with by a bunch of kittens and my body was screaming out in pain. You see fibromyalgia does not come with the same set of symptoms, instead it is made up of a bunch of different symptoms which is different for each case and different every single day. Mine include all over body pain which is more localised within the joints such as knees, hips (imagine these in a vice all day long which is just being cranked tighter and tighter as the day goes on) back and shoulders which are all the worst areas. Then there is jaw pain, which at its worst can lock the jaw tight shut. A godsend for the hubby I’m sure. Fatigue can creep up unexpectedly not only making me want to sleep but at times making moving impossible then there is the IBS, headaches and restless leg syndrome which actually can be great when that certain someone is pushing you too far and in one sharp kick, ha oops sorry it’s the legs. This can also be useful in bed for those evenings when you need the snoring to stop! Ha ha. Sneaky me.

The physical pain can come between so many of my mummy duties including taking the ninja to school, housework and tidying and even weekend activities which is the most painful on a mental level. Ah yes the mental level. The ever so stigmatized mental health part of fibromyalgia with its even less understanding than the physical part. Short-term memory loss, verbal confusion, concentration and forgetting simple instructions are all things I deal with on a daily basis and in a demanding job this can prove tricky and upsetting especially when you get the old ‘you must have forgot’ line. Way to kick me WHEN I’M DOWN!!! (insert cross emoji here). Its funny when trying to describe this to others as they either give you the look of eh? Total confusion, the sympathetic head tilt but really thinking that explains a lot or the moving on in conversation in disbelief. A brushing off if you will. But awareness of these symptoms are just as important as the physical and play a huge part figuring out strategies to managing the illness. Last but not least anxiety and depression are both symptoms of fibro, which have both been wreaking havoc within my being recently all linked to the stress factor. And very much like fibro these come under that same ‘invisible illness’ umbrella because if it can’t be seen you must be ‘fine’ right?. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!

In coping and managing with the physical and mental pain I put in place methods to help with this such as making lists, use of a diary (that a 3 year old scribbler would be extremely jealous of) yoga, Pilates, physiotherapy, healthy (ish) diet, painkillers when needed, new meds (which make me feel horrendously sick and dizzy but this will pass) and I’m learning how to overcome the boom and bust scenario. Basically not overdoing things so that you wipe yourself out completely and just planning around events can help with this. Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory is a fantastic way to explain this (https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/).

I can honestly say that having a high pain threshold does me well and maybe the years of dance as helped shape and mould my body to cope better on a daily basis as its not horrendous every day. But there is pain 24 hours a day 365 days a year so when I’m asked ‘how are you’, my answer is no longer ‘I’m fine’ I’m never fine, I’m in constant pain but I cope but being open about it not only spreads awareness it also shows by the expression on

someone’s face whether they actually mean the question and are genuinely interested (cos if your not don’t waste my time with small talk I could be using this time to meditate ♯hairtoss).

When your mind and body are out of sync it can be so difficult to get the balance back especially if the place you have reached is of the dark kind.  Without going too deep I can honestly say my darkness hit hard recently and struggling with anxiety and depression alone can be a very scary experience but when you team it with a chronic illness like fibromyalgia you become trapped in an anxiety pain cycle. Anxiety triggered by stress which releases cortisol which triggers pain, which triggers more anxiety, and stress equalling being trapped in a tiny room with the walls closing in very quickly. Once I was able I started talking to people around me and opening up about what I was going through it became so much easier to process. It was especially difficult in the first stages thinking I wasn't worthy enough of being a mummy, as I just couldn’t control my tears and some of my actions. Something took over me and I became a shadow but like peter pan my shadow clung to my shell hanging on the hope.

The hardest thing to deal with in the whole experience was knowing the ninja was witness to it all. I do think it’s important to be honest with your kids but should they really have to go through your pain? Its difficult enough having to deal with your child helping you out of bed on those bad mornings and I remember explaining this to a friend once and the ninja buts in 'but I want to help look after you' and I just melt thinking this little human is amazing. She’s receptive of everything that goes on at just 9 years old totally gets it. She gives me a break from her 9 year old attitude when I'm at my worst and over the past 2 Months, I have been. She has seen and been through so much with me and is always willing to ask questions yet

gives me space, something, which has been so important of recent. Space and time never again to be underestimated. Spending time away from the workplace is giving me time to re energise both mind and body. It goes through so much and I never take it for granted as it has served me well but I do forget to put myself first neglecting the most important things that actually keep me functioning on a daily basis. Time is like mummy’s magic cream from the days when you’d graze your knees as a kid, as soon as you have it, it calms you down, it makes you regain hope and you start to see the positives again. It is taking time to heal but I am now believing ever so slightly, in myself again, regaining small amounts of confidence which I know will grow, being a mummy again and doing the mummy jobs like helping out with homework and wanting to listen to guitar practice. My family support means the absolute world to me and this is what has helped so much. We are a family of three and as the ninja states, ‘three makes a triangle and a triangle is the strongest shape.’

Thank you for reading

Big hugs. xxxxxx

Fybromyalgia and how this mummy copes

Hello you little lovelies, so this blog is something I’ve ummed n ahhhd (yorkshire slang) about for a while as my blog is more about mummy vibes although this does have a huge impact on my mummy life so I think it’s important. After much time spent back and forth at the doctors a few years ago (won’t go into details cos I’m over it) I was finally diagnosed with Fybromyalgia (after being made to feel my symptoms did not exist grrrrr inserting angry emoji here with its head blowing off). It honestly felt like a weight had been lifted and that I could now start working towards feeling better.

After a year of my own research (lots) and taking non related pills which made me feel worse I knew this chronic crapbag of an illness wasn’t going away so instead started to work towards a more positive outlook as this is the only thing I could control.

The hardest thing I find is when the ninja is so excited about doing something and I’m not feeling great. It breaks my heart that I can’t be there whole heartedly like before. Like when we had all that ‘lovely’ snow (FYI it looks so beautiful but omg when you are sensitive to cold which causes pain this pretty soft white stuff might as well be tiny pieces of glass laid all over the ground!) and she asked if we could go sledging.... to turn her down because I can’t cope in the cold is the crappy-est feeling (I’d love to be shoving her from the top of the biggest hill). However, I will always try and offer a different solution to make up for it as it the best I can do and I do my best.

So how does the ninja deal with this? Well she totally understands when it’s fybro is related! Yep my 9 year old ball of greatest totally gets it. From the start I’ve been super honest with her about it all and explained it in as much detail as possible. I let her ask questions and I answer them as openly as I can. It was hard when she asked things like ‘will you ever be back to normal’ and ‘will it ever go away.’ But with this I just answer with ‘no it won’t, I will have it forever but I will look after myself and it will all be fine.’ She’s in tune with my good and bad days and offers so much support and who could ask for anything more.

It can be the most frustrating when in pain to even get out of bed in a morning (sometimes feeling I’ve gone 10 rounds with David Haye –ooooh yes please!)

but I just set my alarm a little earlier to give me time. It helps that when I open my eyes the ninja is stood at the side of me fully clothed, teeth brushed and ready for school lending a hand (golden child of the year award). There are so many contributing factors to the pain the list feels endless but I do make sure I do everything in my control to remain as healthy as possible. It’s not always easy though as much as the ninja can be awesome she can also not be. Let me tell ya that when the attitude kicks in it’s like a thunderstorm that waits for just the right time (me hanging on the edge) to strike with lightening leading me to flip flop ‘a flipperty flop’ into this emotional wreck. Me trying hard to keep the stress and anxiety from taking over which in turn will attack my pain points like a mosquito to a lightbulb, then her just waiting for my reaction thinking mmmmm how’s she (the adult) gunna take this? Wrong wrong wrong!!! And breath.... then kicks in the calm, thanks yoga and meditation how I love you so.

Yes yoga, meditation and Pilates has been a savour however finding the time to do this at home proves difficult. If meditation required interruptions to tell me what cereals are in the cupboard and which ones the ninja was deciding to have for breakfast then I would be a pro. I’d also be a pro if yoga involved the licking of your face by your dog (even shutting the door does nothing but allow them to scratch doing the wiggle dance ) so it’s hard to switch off. It gives down word dog a whole new meaning!

I have found that for me, keeping as positive as possible and introducing healthy changes in relation to mind and body is the best solution as I’m now medication free and in control as much as I can be through food and exercise. I can’t do the cardio anymore which is frustrating I mean who doesn’t want to go for a run after a long stressful day at work or hit the gym to pound the runner eh???? Unfortunately cardio also counts for the running around with ninja but I make up for this in other ways such as ‘game night’ or ‘shopping’ errrr nope not shopping she hates that lol but making as many memories as we can. This has to be the most positive aspect which helps and by having that family time to look forward to, taking away from the work stresses it can really help get through the toughest weeks.

So with the help and support of my amazing little family and some really understanding friends, I spread my wings, refuse to be cocooned in the crap  and manage my fybro quite well. It’s so much easier when the people around you understand and for that I’m truly grateful.

Thank you so much for reading

Big hugs xxxx

Blog Absence...where the hell have I been?

I wish I could say I have been held up on a desert (cos I’m writing this on my phone I love how the emojis put in an ice cream or cactus to help with spelling of desert proving I must have spelt it wrong in first place to know about the ice cream! Lol) island swamped in sunshine and dipping my toes in crystal clear waters

but...... nope! As much as this is the life I would love it is not the life I live. This year (academic) has been a difficult one as my job role as a teacher and has often I dread to say has put strain on my job role as mummy and wife. I do always strive to have balance but I’m only human and sometimes it trickles (or gushes dramatically) over the edges.

Work commitments have changed so much due to having changed sites and management and I’m not one of those whose doesn’t like change but when it’s launched at you non stop it can be hard to deal with. Not only have I changed sites completely (huge impact mentally and emotionally) but I have moved office 3 times since August! My job role also includes managing a department which then comes with all the fabulous (said through gritted teeth and snarls) paperwork attached. So I have more responsibility and even less time to do my teaching prep and paperwork. This is when it starts to trickle as I am known for taking marking home as well as other bits of work just to get it done (the teacher role and not enough time to do it should go here but pah #ongoing). I don’t want to be that mum who turns down a game of battleships because I’ve got work to do, so I don’t. The fun and memory making will always come first and I’ve developed the mentality of the work is just a job. Granted a job I am very grateful for and always will be but if my inbox is still full at the end of a day, does it really matter?

Last year I also started my own little business but this was more of a creative outlet as it involves all things creative and gives me a positive focus. Since September it has taken a back seat due to my work commitments although I’ve kept my hand in a couple of creative aspects of it. One of these includes photography which is great when I can get the ninja to model for me. She is such a natural but at the same

time a massive drama queen so I will only get the poses she wants to give...snap smile...snap tongue out...snap peace sign...Snapchat filter!!!!! God Sake kid!

The last reason that comes to mind as to why I’ve been absent from the blog life is pure hibernation. Yep ‘winter is coming’ so ima gunna be going!!!! Summing up the winter months is easy, I HATE COLD!!! I love onsies, blankets, big socks, fluffy scarves etc but I love the sun the most. Living with fibromyalgia in a country which rarely sees the sun in a year has its challenges (details for another blog). So it can be difficult to get motivated to do the creative stuff. I still have to do the mummy stuff and work stuff through the winter months so my stuff, the stuff that can actually help keep me positive gets put on hold (sad times). Winter wears me the frig out!!!

So skimming the gory stuff that’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Life can be busy and this can take us through hours, days and months before realising it has passed us by. Work hard but play harder and always make time for battleships.

Thank you for reading lovelies xxxx

Easter School Holidays

It’s Easter 2018 and I’m back!

Well hello my lovelies it has been an absolute lifetime since my last blog and I think I’ll save why for the next post. But for now I thought I’d fill you in on what this Easter holiday has brought me and my lil family. I tend to take the whole two weeks of Easter off from work (which means I don’t have to pay for extra childcare! Yey!) so I can spend time with the ninja doing fun things (when she is not being a royal pain in the arse) and making memories. I tend to use this saying quite a bit this ‘making memories’ as I have always strived to be the kind of mum that my mum was when I was young. Doing the simplest of things to entertain and build a bank of memories that the ninja can take into adulthood (if she gets there) and hopefully carryon the traditions.

We started the holidays just being us spending time doing our own thing (for me it was marking which comes with the teacher territory booooo) and for the ninja this would be playing on the Xbox, dressing up as Harry Potter at every opportunity and generally playing with the things she doesn’t get time to do during school term. We had a couple of afternoon teas with friends but instead of paying 30 quid for a couple of sarnies and a butterfly bun we chose to create our own....ta da! (See our beautiful creations on my princess cake stand which the ninja was not happy about lol) Cheaper, tastier and in the comfort of my own home, winner!

We also had a day of fun with my friend and her son doing the Easter crafting such egg painting where I proudly sported my greatest showman efforts on my insta page, proud proud proud. I get so involved with this I’m always the one to finish last and when ninja asks for help I’m like ‘errrr hang on I’m just sticking on these sequins’ 20 mins later she’s moved onto just attacking her egg with paint and glitter and I go ‘or wow babe yeah that looks great’ if unicorns laid eggs!!! So once finished I sit admiring my efforts and my friend says to kids ‘right shall we go egg rolling now?’ Wait what the... egg rolling! Kids have already agreed in excitement and everyone nows, once you’ve said something out loud to kids you can’t take it back without having a screaming match!

So I’m sat looking at my amazing egg design and I tentatively agree to go egg rolling when in my head I’m actually thinking hell no, this eggs too good to roll! But in the end what once was a greatly decorated egg became scrambled bird fodder within a matter of seconds, (insert sad face emoji here).

We also took in some theatre this holiday with me and the ninja seeing Shrek the musical for the second time as we love it. Especially the song that involve farts and burps! 

Can never have enough toilet humour. Pffffft!!! Lol the other trip was to see an Easter panto of Alice in Wonderland with Ashleigh and Sully at our local theatre and me not being massive fan of panto (it’s the jokes, argggg cringe!) I actually enjoyed it and got into the spirit by joining in even more than the ninja which resulted in m`e getting a massive dose of the roll-y eye syndrome LOL.

Easter morning for us still consists of egg hunts created by the fluffy eared hopper himself! And when eggs ‘go missing’ (due to me not remembering where the chuff I’ve hidden them) and dad ‘finds’ them miraculously we get asked ‘how does dad know where to look?’ Er er er.... I reply ‘maybe dad just knows where the hiding places are’ (eh? What? What a loada crap and the award for worlds worst lying mum goes to...).

It’s still pretty awesome seeing her face when she finds them, then says ‘do you think that’s it’ after finding only a few treats. I bloody love that girl and the gratitude she shows.

We’ve made lots of memories over this Easter holiday and loved all my time spent with my little family. I hope you’ve had great fun and found time for yourself too. Love your family, love your life, love yourself.

Thanks for reading my lovelies

Sending hugs xxxx